DEATH STORM 2008 is coming!!!

DEATH STORM 2008!!!!
Well, since yesterday the Detroit media has been full of panic (When they're not covering our lying piece-of-shit of a mayor and his naughty text messages) as a nice little snowstorm is hitting our area tonight and tomorrow. In Metro Detroit I can expect to see 4-8 inches of snow by tomorrow evening (That oughta make rush-hour fun!), for example.

What always amazes me about the news coverage is that you end up seeing the same shit on the TV stations with every storm. Each station should just run a tape of their broadcasts from the last time a snowstorm came through town, since the same shit is always reported. In that spirit, I will repost this very post, save for a few edits, when the next storm comes around.

Here's how it works in Detroit, at least:

1) First, you get the overweight reporter (and it's always a black guy, too....Jesse Jackson needs to forget about non-existant Diebold vote fraud in Ohio and Florida, and instead look into this obvious form of racial discrimination!) who stands outside in the falling torrent of snow, then proceeds to tell you that "Yep, it's snowing pretty good now!".

2) Next, you have the blond reporterette who's hanging out with the salt truck drivers. Always get the obligatory reference to "we'll be doing this all night!", somehow, as well.

3) Cut over to video of some senior citizens standing in line to buy shovels and snowblowers hours before the storm hits...because we know that Michigan never gets snow in the wintertime!

4) Next, we get the weather guy, who's been "on alert" all day just for us, telling us just how bad the snow is going to make life for us. Yes, without the weatherman around, I wouldn't know that I should allow a few minutes to get to wherever I'm going, or that I should probably slow down when driving on 3 inches of unplowed snow. Thanks, dude!

5. Make sure that no matter what, this snowstorm is the STORM OF THE CENTURY (complete with ominous-sounding music at the beginning of the updates)! Either that, or regardless of what may have happened in earlier year, this snowstorm is definitively THE BLIZZARD OF '08!!

6. Break into everyone's favorite daytime and evening programming to remind them that it's snowing. Yes, because people, evidently, are too stupid to peek out of their windows and figure that out for themselves.

7. Special reports from the local supermarket, where senior citizens are falling over each other in the aisles to get to the last available gallon of water, the last available gallon of milk, or the last loaf of bread. As we all know, milk and bread are the two most important items to have when protecting onesself from inclement weather.

8. Cue the safety czar up, reminding everyone to keep a warm blanket and a shovel in your car should go off into a ditch and get stuck for a couple of days.

9. Don't forget the friendly county sheriff (Mark Hackel seems to be the go-to guy in Detroit - he's quite the handsome fellow, too!) who shows up, making his plea to people to stay off the roads "if you absolutely don't have to be on the roads". That's actually pretty good advice when it's also 80 and sunny out, but somehow it's supposed to sound more impressive when it's during wintertime.

Somehow, we'll manage to survive all of this, until DEATH STORM 2008 V2 hits us, at least.