I know I missed "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" last week when it was on CBS, but since my 7 and 9-year-old boys like popping this tape in and watching it on occasion this Christmas season, it's time to air some gripes about this "Christmas classic", hrrrumph!

1. Santa is a dick.

Santa, the benevolent one, the kind, the great – actually, Santa's the dick who mocks Rudolph for having a red nose. Are we prejudiced much, fat man? Is this a representation that Christmas is only for those without defects? Then to make it worse, the rest of Christmastown joins in the mocking of Rudolph. So basically, if you're a minority, you can't join in any reindeer games. OK then.

Then, after basically opening the door for Rudolph's departure from Christmastown, who does he come crawling back to Rudolph when a little snowstorm hits? Rudolph should have told Santa to "Kiss my furry brown ass, douchebag - me and the babe have a fifth of Tequila and we're flying to Tahiti."

Oh, if Santa is so great, then why does he continuously disrespect and ignore the Misfit Toys?

2. Quality Control in Christmastown

Speaking of them, what the fukk is up with the Misfit Toys. An elephant with spots, a train with square wheels, a Charlie in the Box, a dolly…what is wrong with her? (More later). What do they all have in common? All are toys, and where are toys made? At Christmastown! Who the hell is running quality control up there?

3. Real Generous, You Flying Lion

The gang reaches the Island of Misfit Toys. They've been riding through the fukking North Pole. It's cold there. It's windy there. Again, people, it's the North Pole. They reach the Island of Misfit Toys. The leader lets them stay for all of, what, one night? Thanks, asshole.

4. Bestiality and Homosexuality

At the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph, Hermie and Yukon Cornelius all sleep in the same bed. Then, later, Rudolph leaves. I don't see Yukon or Hermie missing him all that much, do you?

5. Women's Rights

Now comes the big fight, but who saves the day? It's Rudolph's Mom and Clarisse. Oh, but then Sam the Snowman says to "get the womenfolk back to Christmastown." Sure...after saving their asses, the men decide that the women need to get the hell out. Nice.

6. 4 out of 5 Cardiologists Disapprove of this Diet

Santa goes on an eating binge to get all fat within a week? How 'bout them arteries, jolly man? This just in: Santa Has Quadruple Bypass Surgery!

7. More Bestiality

Yukon Cornelius, fresh from doing a Reindeer and an Elf, turns his sights to a giant abominable snowman. I think we know what he's after there, huh. Was it just me, or did Yukon walk a little bowlegged when he appeared back at the Castle?



8. Let's Hide the Mental Illness

What was really wrong with the Dolly named Sue? It's suspected that she suffers from depression. Of course, we don't hear this - they just push mental illness under the table, hoping that we ignore it.

9. Some other miscellaneous shit I noticed

- Santa visits Rudolph after he is first born and Rudolph says – "San-tah." How does he know who Santa is? He was just born!

- Why can't Charley-in-the-box change his name?

- What kid wants a water pistol that shoots jelly? Probably most kids!

- How messed up will the kid who received the cowboy on the ostrich be?

- Why is the lion called Moonraker? Is the lion a James Bond fan?

- Why do all the male elves look the same except for the elf in charge, Herbie and the tall - one with glasses?

- Are all female elves blonde?



- Santa is unprepared for a snowstorm! At the North Pole!!! I bet it hardly ever snows there!

- Trees, animals and birds at the North Pole? Not likely! Except for Polar bears.

- How is Yukon Cornelius going to dig for gold at the North Pole? It's an icecap.

I think I have way too much time on my hands, don't I?